On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
