omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
