I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
