So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
