Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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