There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
