maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
