i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
