i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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