dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
