You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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