I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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