Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wish life had little blips of pornography
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
