So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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