Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
