I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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