ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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