if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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