I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
operation harelip BJ is a go
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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