her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
