Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
