My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
