I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
