i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
