i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
