i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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