My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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