so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
