Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
