I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
