Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize