Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
