She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
