seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
