you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
