Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
