The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
