Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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