get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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