ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
