did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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