I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
