I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
