i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
3 2 1 whiskey
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
