had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
