At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Terrible idea I love it
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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