The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Randomize
