He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
