You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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