I like my sex mixed with concussions.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
