dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
