He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
