best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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