the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize