just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize