i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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